Examples
Using Mediation to Resolve Family/Senior Issues
All examples are fictional composites that do not represent any real  persons.

Father with Alzheimers

Mr. J. began having memory problems in 2005 and his adult children became very alarmed when he twice became lost going  home.  His daughter took him in to her home, and this was working out well for several months.  Recently  Mr. J., who has since been diagnosed with Alzheimers, began accusing his grandchildren of taking his things, and becoming very agitated when they deny doing so.  The household is in a turmoil, and his daughter feels it is time to sell his house and place him in a facility.  His 2 sons  are opposed to this, and feel he could be managed in his own home  with them checking in on him daily and having meals provided..  The discussion has become so heated that the daughter is barely speaking to her brothers or sister-in-law.  During mediation, the sons were better able to understand how stressful this has been to the daughter.  One son volunteered to take Dad on the weekends, and other son will stop in late afternoons.  The daughter promised to talk to the doctor about a medication change to address the paranoia.  All 3 siblings agreed to talk more often, and work together better.

The Caregiver 

Mrs. P, age 85, has numerous chronic health problems that limit her mobility.  For several years she has had a private caregiver, Addie. come to the house 3 mornings per week to help her bathe and do other household chores.  She has one son, who lives in another state, and helps pay for the caregiver.. He talks to Addie frequently by phone, but does not visit often due to his business and travel. Recently Addie started working for a new family, and since then she has changed her schedule with Mrs. P several times.  When Mrs. P. complained, she became defensive and said she was resigning.  Addie also claimed she was owed additional  wages  for 50 hours of overtime over the past year.   

During mediation, Addie. was able to explain how she felt taken advantage of because she had stayed late many times and adjusted  her schedule for Mrs. P.,  but  Mrs. P. was not flexible when she needed to make temporary changes.  Addie did not realize how panicked Mrs. P. felt when Addie didn't come, and how dependent she felt with no family in town. Mrs. P.'s son realized the problem was not really about money, but about feeling appreciated.  A new schedule was worked out that increased Addie's time with Mrs. P, and ensured she was compensated for those hours.

The Will

The M family consisted on 7 children, 4 daughters and 3 sons.  Mr. M. died 15 years ago, but Mrs. M. had been doing fairly well until she became ill with cancer, and died within 3 months of her diagnosis.  There had always been some tensions among the children, which got worse when 2 of the siblings felt resentful that the others had not been there for their mother when she was sick, and too much of the burden of her care had fallen on them when she was dying.  The will was not very specific; it directed the children to divide her  property 7 ways.  The 2 siblings  who cared for their mother would like some compensation for the time they missed from work caring for her, but other do not feel this is fair.  There are disagreements over who should get the parent's wedding pictures, the rocker Mr. M. loved, and a hand-painted china tea set handed down from the great grandparents.

In mediation, the mediator helped the family recognized their common feelings of grief and anger over losing their mother.  The siblings who cared for their mother were able to acknowledge the financial and moral support contributions the others had made.  Those who had not been present listened to how profound the experience was for the siblings who had been there.  The seven children developed a process for distributing the sentimental objects in the house, whereby they would  identify together the 7 most valued items, and pick lots for choosing them.  For smaller items, each would put a different colored tag on the items they wanted, and after distributing  the ones chosen only by one person, the oldest sibling would coordinate handling of the smaller items.

Conflict over Grandchildren

When Allen and Jodie W. first married,  Allen's parents, Lyndie and Joe, were less than happy about his choice of mate.  Jodie came from a very different background, and just didn't seem to fit in to the family.  Despite this, Allen's parents saw them often, and everyone got along.  After 2   grandchildren were born,  Allen's parents did daycare for the children without charge while Allen and Jodie worked full-time.

The children became very attached to their grandparents and often complained to them about their mother's strict rules and harsh discipline.  Lyndie tried to talk to her son and daughter-in-law about this, but Allen and Jodie felt the parents were interfering. They also resented hearing that the parents  spoke critically about Jodie  to the grandchildren.  After one of many arguments about this between Jodie and her mother-in-law, Lyndie,  Jodie angrily decided that she was "tired of being undercut," and the children would no longer be allowed to see the grandparents at all.  Allen felt trapped in the middle between his wife and his parents.  Family gatherings ceased to exist, and the children  missed their grandparents  terribly. The grandparents, especially Lyndie were crushed about not being able to see their grandchildren.

Mediation was initiated by the grandparents, who sought a way to reconcile, or at least be able to see their grandchildren.  Although initially reluctant to try the process, after personal contact with the mediator, the parents agreed to come in and participate.  Several sessions were needed, with the mediator meeting first with each of the four individually.  The mediator suggested a meeting between the two woman first.  During that session, Lyndie was surprised by how insecure Jodie revealed herself to be as a parent, helping Lyndie understand why her criticism was taken so hard.  Jodie was shocked by how devastated Lyndie was about not seeing the grandchildren.

After two more sessions with the parents and grandparents, the relationship started to warm up, and grandchildren and grandparents were visiting again.  Although Jodie did not choose to return them to her in-laws for daycare, she did understand better how important the relationship was for her children.  As time went on, she was even able to take some child-rearing tips from her mother-in-law, at least during the times when they were gently offered.

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